candy

a small square white one so I don't wake up with baboon lips
an enormous white, smelling slightly of sulfur, to metabolize livah sugah
an oblong white one that may or may not keep T & K cells from killing other tissues-the one that gives me technicolor dreams
two suspicious and expensive capsules, one burgundy and one pink, that regulate synapse juice and perhaps keep me from committing homicidal acts while riding public transportation
old big blue that keeps the leaky ticker tickin'
tiny pink fucker that blocks this and promotes that
the amusingly cherry flavored baby aspirin that may prevent years of bad chocolate from imploding
big ole blobs of goo filled with the oils of alaskan cod--perhaps making me a better swimmer or growin' gills
two hard speckled brown oblong honkers with "valerian" and some poor animal's brain in powder form which lull me gently to sleep
three round honkeys that slam me into slumber
and wee willie winkie for the pain in my neck which, like all sneaky fucks, is deceptively strong and keeps me in fog well past it's "effective half-life"
horrid
candy
not
so
sweet

Cape Crack

I'm on Cape Cod but don't go robbing my house as there ain't a thing in there but dirty dishes and a plus size wardrobe in three sizes. I took a bus down here on Friday night with various grads and dads and single middle aged women in new age jewellery going to a Martha's Vineyard "How to Reclaim Your Womb" retreat. Who wants it back, I asks ya?

The Cape is another country in that the vegetation grows differently in the sandy soil and the air is clearer somehow as the land juts out between the Nantucket Sound and the Ocean, and the culture is at times tourista central, often kitsch, and in many instances quaint and slow paced. I met a couple from Croatia at the tiny Falmouth bus station who are staying here for the summer and working at a local B&B to improve their English, and, I'm sure, slightly martyr themselves in the wake of snobby tourists and juicy honeymooners who's sheet leavings they will have to deal with, but hey, when I spoke to them, their faces aglow, I was freezing my nuts off in my light summer dress which was perfect for the slow build of Boston humidity seeping in through the midwest, but quite inadequate on the Cape where the weather is perenially 20 degrees cooler. I asked the Croatian boy to turn round while I pulled on my pajama bottoms so he wouldn't be blinded by unsightly thigh flab. They skipped off happily, hand in hand, as I wished fervantly for some socks.

On the bus there were a couple of guys who'd graduated from Harvard the day before. When they first got on, I thought I'd be treated to some Beavis and Butthead like conversation about boobs and booze, but they had a thoughtful and lively conversation about working in the public sector, how much they appreciated their parents, and how they wished they could express more emotion like their girlfriends were able to. They also discussed Carmen Electra's relative hotness, but by that time, as I shamelessly eavesdropped, I was ready to forgive them anything.

I'm staying at a friend's parents condo. We stayed here last year, too, and the nosy neighbor informed my friend's parents that "a black girl" had been in their house. I am currently devising some overtly stereotypically colored ways to behave--maybe I'll case her house--so that her belief system will remain intact. Later I plan to put on my bathing suit, break out the boombox and play and dance to some early Parliament Funkadelic, specifically the tracks that are designed to scare the Ignays.

Oooga Boooga, fashizzle my nizzles.

And so, you can see, I'm in an optimistic and un-cynical frame of mind. It seems to take several days to unwind from the tight muscles and brain busy-ness of the city, the frantic pace of the people stomping up escalators and running for trains, the banality of concrete and body odor, that slightly uncomfortable feeling of melding into a mass and becoming formless like a wheel of brie on a hot beach.

ooooooo. beach....

dr. crack

So I'm going to prescribe some new medication for you that should ease your symptoms. Maybe. It will cause nausea and dizziness upon standing, may cause excessively oily stool for the first 48 days, and will cause any jewellery that you wear that's less than 24 carat to turn your skin green. Long term use definitely causes bone loss, but you probably will be dead long before this happens from the drug's toxic effects having committed suicide because you can't get an erection when taking this medication unless you experience the rare side effect of having a 14 hour erection--if this occurs get to an emergency room and make my girlfriend a video of the event.

Don't take this drug with celery or bacon or bacon wrapped celery or while at high altitudes--there is a slight risk of spontaneous combustion. Be sure to drink plenty of water before taking this medication unless you're not thirsty. Taking this medication and applying lipstick in the subsequent 15 minutes can cause catastrophic lip swelling, making you look like an orangutan's ass. If this occurs and the wind is blowing over 15 miles an hour, you may become airborne. Don't touch cacti while taking this medication to avoid a rare side effect.

Don't take this medication if you are taking the following (and don't expect me to know what you are taking as that would require me to read your medical record which everyone knows is just a file full of empty paper and blank x-rays): boxing lessons, Cialis, intravenous Ovaltine, alpine flower extract with sheep dip, raw cookie dough, toe jam fungicide, a haiku class, the "how to become a god-fearin' republican" workshop at the Columbus Center for Adult Education, methamphetamine, Beano, or eye of newt extract. Don't eat turducken while taking this drug as turducken is gross.

Any questions? Too bad, we're out of time. Be sure to read the minuscule fine print document included with the medication for a list of the really serious side effects.

You're gonna be just fine.