Monday, April 22, 2013

Undid

It started setting in today physically. The muscles, the facae, the cramping and spasm of spastic nerves that somehow don't know how to turn off fight or flight. I saw a nubian princess reciting her rosary on the inbound train platform. "Hail Mary, full of grace, let me and all I know come home with all of our limbs tonight."

Today, at the time of the first explosion one week ago, we formed at the corner of Boylston and Charles Streets, and gazed down the four blocks to the incident site, observing a moment of silence and listening to the church bells playing "Amazing Grace."

"I wonder why we didn't hear it?" one of the students asked.

"Probably because we were so high up," another replied. Thank goodness we didn't hear it. It haunts us enough already and must be a continuing nightmare for the people who did witness it.

I remember this feeling, amid all the others, in the aftermath of 9/11, looking at a photograph of one of the hijacking murderers and seeing the emptiness there--what happened to you and this kid and his brother, that you turned into monsters, and how sorry I feel for your families who most assuredly didn't see this coming but will be tainted with it forever? You were innocent little babies once, full of brown eyes and promise, and now you are dead or as good as.

People want to make some kind of definitive statement about all this, wrap it up with a bow, outlined what we've learned. But I already knew how good most people are in times of crisis and we do an injustice by not allowing ourselves time to think and feel our fear, our horror, our pain. There's not a damn thing wrong with feeling all of this deeply even if you weren't directly involved. If you have a heart, you were wounded.

I don't have anything new to offer. I feel awful and will for a while until I don't. Synapses will misfire until they calm again. I'll hold loved ones close and be a little kinder for a while. There will be shop therapy, and a few hard ciders, and some serious nap time to cope.That's all that can be done.