dr. crack

So I'm going to prescribe some new medication for you that should ease your symptoms. Maybe. It will cause nausea and dizziness upon standing, may cause excessively oily stool for the first 48 days, and will cause any jewellery that you wear that's less than 24 carat to turn your skin green. Long term use definitely causes bone loss, but you probably will be dead long before this happens from the drug's toxic effects having committed suicide because you can't get an erection when taking this medication unless you experience the rare side effect of having a 14 hour erection--if this occurs get to an emergency room and make my girlfriend a video of the event.

Don't take this drug with celery or bacon or bacon wrapped celery or while at high altitudes--there is a slight risk of spontaneous combustion. Be sure to drink plenty of water before taking this medication unless you're not thirsty. Taking this medication and applying lipstick in the subsequent 15 minutes can cause catastrophic lip swelling, making you look like an orangutan's ass. If this occurs and the wind is blowing over 15 miles an hour, you may become airborne. Don't touch cacti while taking this medication to avoid a rare side effect.

Don't take this medication if you are taking the following (and don't expect me to know what you are taking as that would require me to read your medical record which everyone knows is just a file full of empty paper and blank x-rays): boxing lessons, Cialis, intravenous Ovaltine, alpine flower extract with sheep dip, raw cookie dough, toe jam fungicide, a haiku class, the "how to become a god-fearin' republican" workshop at the Columbus Center for Adult Education, methamphetamine, Beano, or eye of newt extract. Don't eat turducken while taking this drug as turducken is gross.

Any questions? Too bad, we're out of time. Be sure to read the minuscule fine print document included with the medication for a list of the really serious side effects.

You're gonna be just fine.