I forgot to mention:
I live in my mother's basement
I live with my ex-wife and her girlfriend
I live at the YMCA
I have 16 children by a plural marriage
I'm a crackhead
I'm a Republican running for office in my small town and can't be seen dating a woman of color
so we have to keep it on the DL
I'm still married and living with my wife and kids, but we're technically separated and she said it's
ok for me to date
I only date Black girls because they tend to be more appreciative
I run a monthly orgy
I have Hep C
I expect any woman I'm dating to make good money and have or have plans to get her MBA
I don't like kissing
I used to be gay but a church program made me see it was a sin
I have to have a liver transplant and am looking for a donor
I hope you are comfortable with:
Adult breast feeding
Unprotected sex
Paying for everything from now on
Smokin' the Chronic
Atonal monk music
My lack of teeth
Converting to my religion
Giving up your love of Prince and drag queens once we are married
Raising my kids
Me using the "n" word from time to time
Absconding with me after they process my warrant
My latex/foot/breast/bondage/master and slave/fingernail polish/ear lobe/blood letting fetish
I thought you'd be:
At least a DD
Fatter/thinner/Blacker/lighter/religious/more talkative/less loquacious/ghetto fabulous/a sex kitten
If we continue dating, you must:
Let your hair grow
Go to the gym
Gain 100 pounds
Tone down the liberal rhetoric
Defer to my superiority
Cook for me every night
Drink more
Get rid of your cat
Let me store some stuff at your house so that my soon to be ex-wife doesn't get it
Give up any white/Black/friends you have
Start studying Islam/zoroastrianism/Tantra/to become a Jehovah's Witness/how to shoot a rifle
I'm disappointed because:
You won't sleep with me by the third date
You objected to me drinking from a bottle of vodka as I drove you home
You asked for AIDs and STD tests
You aren't comfortable with my Rottweilers
You unmanned me by paying for dinner
You won't walk the 7 miles to my rural cabin from the bus stop in town
You won't fly with me to Bermuda for the weekend because we've known each other less than
three weeks
You think you are smarter than me
You gave me a breath mint when I tried to kiss you
You told me you didn't want to go out with me anymore, and wouldn't take my word for it that
you'd change your mind
You don't buy that I'm in love with you already
You expect me to call when I say I will
You wouldn't go with me to the monster truck rally
You won't respond to each of the 30 daily texts/emails/calls I make to you demanding to know
where you are, who you are with, and exactly what you're doing
We can't date anymore because:
I can't handle your weight (I know it's shallow, but...)
My adult children forbid it
You're too artsy
You don't enjoy sitting around all day watching rugby
You probably voted for Obama
You seem too wrapped up in your own life to have a boyfriend
You don't seem interested in the bi-friendly lifestyle
You like yourself too much
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